The Secret of Great Relationships and Successful Parents
“We cannot focus upon the weaknesses of one another and evoke strengths. You cannot focus upon the things that you think they are doing wrong, and evoke things that will make you feel better. You've got to beat the drum that makes you feel good when you beat it. And when you do, you'll be a strong signal of influence that will help them to reconnect with who they are." ~Esther Hicks
Little Gems of Wisdom & Fun from Mary Lynn Ziemer
Is there a relationship with an important person in your life at home, work, or socially that you would like to improve? Maybe you'd like to turn a relationship with your children into something that is more joyful and fun? Maybe you want to mend a relationship with your siblings or parents? Or have the perfect relationship with your partner? Maybe it's a relationship with a co-worker or boss that could use some improvement? Regardless of who it is, how can you get to that relationship paradise that every person longs for?
We have all experienced a certain kind of behavior in a person or a group. It really doesn’t matter how we got to that place of expectation, but the truth is this: somewhere along the way, we established a particular view about who they are and how they act. Then, we see evidence of them behaving in this certain kind of way, which reinforces and deepens our belief about them. We become convinced that if they would just be different, our relationship would be better. We believe this to be the truth. We want them to change, even as we continue to see them in the same old way.
Remember, we get what we focus on. We get what we expect. So, it’s much, much better to expect the best!
There’s a well-known song called Man in the Mirror. “If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change.”
Or as Ella Fitzgerald wrote, “It’s time to wake up to reality!”
It’s time to become responsible for who YOU are in relationship to others. Then you will see change. It’s time for you to become responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions as you react to your perception of who you believe them to be. Only when you consistently change how you feel, see, speak and act towards others, will you see them change.
Here is the key. Expecting someone to change doesn’t change them, it changes you. And that is what changes them!
Here are 5 steps to help you begin to improve your relationship with someone:
1. In your mind, see this person (your child, your partner, sibling, parent, co-worker, etc.) as having the potential to be who you want them to be. Create a new image of them and decide what your perfect relationship would look like. Write it down for clarity.
2. Feel lots of love for them. Intense love always takes us to calm and it’s our calm mindset that allows us to know that it’s possible and remain patient in pursuit of our dream. Feeling love is a must. So, find the qualities that you like about them and emphasize your focus, no matter how small, to see these qualities reappear, expand and grow.
3. Focus on the story of your new and improved relationship. Be consistent, especially if your thoughts from your current reality try to tell you differently. Look for even the smallest evidence that you are seeing a change, and in the very moment you notice it, feel more love and express gratitude for it. Being grateful creates more of the same to be grateful for.
4. Remain positive and focused for a more wonderful relationship. Visualize a snapshot that represents the perfect outcome. Repeat it over and over again, and feel love and gratitude for everyone involved as you do. See this picture in your mind as though it already exists.
5. Last, but not least... Choose to consciously respond in conversation instead of reacting from “automatic”. Filter your words and create what you want by feeling, speaking and acting in a new way towards this person. As you change, you will begin to see a shift in their feelings, words, and actions towards you. Consistency is the key. Stay open, loving and grateful!
You see, we create what we expect. For example, if you are considering your relationship with your child or teenager, we have often been told that "this is how a child or a teenager behaves". So, we create that “typical” behavior in our own children. Until we realize that it all up to us! When we change how we feel about our children, no matter the age, and we see them in our mind the way we would like them to be, suddenly they behave in a completely new and different way.
I see my clients in awe when their children are calm, happy, responsible, well behaved and get good grades. Why does that happen? The truth is this about our relationships. Change happens when we change our expectations from the typical behavior to what we truly want in our heart. When you change how you think, speak and act in a more loving way, they will respond by living up to those very new feelings that you have about them. And then a new cycle of the relationship is set into motion. They will feel inspired to live up to your obviously new and very correct appraisal of who they really are.
This same principal applies to everything in our lives. When we are truly happy, feeling lots of love, and our mind is calm, we are able to see the outcome of the situation being what we want. And the calmer we are, the easier it is to KNOW that it is happening now.
Have an absolutely magical week full of love, gratitude and fun, fun, fun!
~Mary Lynn Ziemer
If this message inspired you, please forward it to a friend, colleague, client, or family member to brighten their day as well!
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